I have to hurry as I have only a few minutes left of my thirty minutes of computor time.

But I have to post for all the world (or at least my approx 5-10 readers!) to see that I brought my baby girl home on Thursday to STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully forever. Or till death parts us. It is a legal risk placement meaning her bio parents rights are not fully terminated. But I don't think I have anything to worry about.

I met the foster mom at the agency on Thursday at 1:00. I was in a daze, like I always am at a time like that. My sisters have accused me of not seeming to be excited but it is definitly not that. It is just so extreme that I get numb.

I was reminded again that almost one hundred percent of the time, the joy of adoption causes deep grief to someone else as foster mom said her good by to Baby Girl with tears raining down her cheeks. They chose not to adopt her but how well I know it is still VERY painful.

On the way home, I passed a cancer clinic and saw someone that I know, who was recently diagnosed, turning in. And once again my heart was pricked. Not everyone was as happy as I was that day.

I have so much to be thankful for. Not every moment in the years to come will be a Kodak moment. But God is on the throne.

Christopher's Story continued...

Christopher's birthfather came to visit every now and then. He was young and handsome and had sad eyes. We could never really figure out who he was as he said his parents were both dead. But in the end it came out that him and birthmom were fairly closely related and her relatives were his relatives and vice-versa. Not that they were siblings, maybe like second or third cousins.

He liked to hold Christopher a little at the visits and I remember him looking at little Christopher once and saying, "I can't take care of no baby." Which makes a nice memory to share with Christopher as I do have some not so nice which I don't really care to share. Christopher looks very much like the father. Micah looks exactly like his poor little mother and is just like her including the mental limitations. I can look at my two fine sons and I can see both of their first parents very plainly.

Poverty and ignorance was the downfall of that "family". Though they were street smart, they were in a way, sweet in their simpleness. I believe it is because of this that my boys have sweet spirits. God knew what he was doing when He put them in my family. Genes do make a big difference. Even if you adopt a newborn, and you never see the birth parents again, they will always be with you. Their main strengths and weaknesses are likely things you will see in your child and what they will struggle with as they grow up.

I am not sure what made me write these last two posts except that it is the time of year that Christopher came to me and maybe also because as my children get older I see more and more similarities. I do not write this to degrade my two sons or their birthfamily, but actually what I am trying to point out that they were not in extremely sinful situations and that has been a great blessing in the lives of my boys. they do not seem to struggle with some of the things Marissa struggles with who did came from an extreme situation.

Quote of the day: Marissa: (totally out of the blue) Mommy, if you would die, how big would be your casket?

Almost exactly eleven years ago, Christopher was given to me. He had on a little red velvet Christmas outfit and white shoes. He looked exactly like a Christmas present. Which he was. We called him Chrissy for years even though it now sounds too girlish. Many of our extended family still call him that and it makes him feel special and loved even though he would not want other people using it.

Christopher had visits with his bio mom and a few other family members for two years and in that time I got to know them fairly well. It was very poverty stricken family with little knowledge of unimportant things like marriage, or going to work, or paying bills or living in your own quarters, (I shall not even say "house") They seemed to have a few apartments among them and they moved in and out according to will, depending on the currant fights, or who had paid rent for the next month and therefore secured a roof for at least the next few weeks.

It was into this chaotic scene that a young lady of about 20 years old gave birth to a baby boy with a stack of curls (he had soo much hair that the word stack is actually fairly accurate!) and eyes that didn't look quite right. She did take him home from the hospital but four months later was rescued from a cousin's couch and came into foster care.

His poor little mom tried to come see her baby whenever she could. I can still see her clothes pinned together with diaper pin sized safety pins, sloshing through the cold rain barefoot in flip-flops. Sometimes the fore mentioned cousin brought her in a car that reeked of smoke and had a window covered with plastic and duct tape. "Mom" was a unique individual. She was limited mentally and did not really understand what was going on or why somone took her baby away. Her eyes were small, close together and extremely crossed. And to top it off she wore huge and very outdated glasses. If I remember correctly we found out that she had been wearing the exact same pair for like ten years.

Her favorite thing to do was sit in front of the TV with a bag of microwave popcorn and a coke and watch her certain shows. At times she cut her visits short and hastened onto the city bus to get home in time to watch something.

TO BE CONTINUED>>><<<

Too. busy. to. blog.

I picked Baby Girl up on Wednesday afternoon. I met foster mom at a store parking lot. When I drove up she leaned out and half sang, "I have something you want!"

On Monday I have to take her back then can get her again on Friday for next weekend. I pretended to bawl loudly today and the three older children came out to see what was wrong and I said its because I have to take baby back on Monday. Then they all tried to comfort me, little sweeties. You guys that know me IRL probably can't imagine me acting like that but I guess I do when i am here all alone with the wee ones!! I start acting like one of them! :)

Had a great Thanksgiving with much to be thankful for, with the obvious being my two babies. Five years ago, I spent the day in the NICU holding my tiny new daughter, who was Amber then, but is now my Marissa. This Thanksgiving I have a new daughter again, so Thanksgivings are pretty special. Actually Christopher came around that time as well, but at the time I had no clue he would be my son.

Things are going well, better then I expected. I am so totally in love with this little miracle and am excited about watching her grow. Baby Girl and Baby J are soo cute together. Baby J is a little dumpling by now with very chubby cheeks, a little piggy that's always at the trough!

Oh, give thanks unto the Lord for He is GOOD!

She's Coming!!!!!!!!

I had a busy morning, too busy to spend much time thinking.

Mid-morning when the phone actually did ring, I was calm, even after I recognised the caller ID as an agency number. By now, I had basically given up that she would be coming here. To my great surprise, I was told that I was chosen.

The children and I jumped around and screamed for awhile then fought each other for the phone to make phone calls :)

We may get her tomorrow afternoon and have her for Thanksgiving and the weekend. Next weekend we will have her again, then hopefully after that she can come to stay forever.

This is a legal-risk foster to adopt situation. I am hoping things will move along and I can have her adoption finalized within a year but you just never know. The most important thing is that she is with us.

Dreams really do come true, all you hopeful, waiting, adoptive parents.

She is a lovely cuddly baby, and has a very pretty name which I unfortunately cannot share on this blog yet, so for now she will be called "Baby Girl" for lack of brain power to think of anything more interesting.

Waiting is Excruciating

I have been carrying these two phones around all day. Waiting for them to spring to life. The house phone rang only three times and twice it was a telemarketer.

Today was THE DAY that I had been waiting for, to find out if Baby Girl is going to come live with me. I had been warned that it is not sure that a final conclusion will be reached but they were hoping to do so.

I can bear knowing she is not coming, better then I can bear not knowing. I did quite well most of the day but when late afternoon rolled around, and then 5:00 came and went, I became... well... grumpy.

I'm going to bed early to pass the time quicker till tomorrow....

Quote of the day:
Marissa: (who has some strange aversion to corn) "I'd rather have boogers for supper then corn."

Micah had his yearly physical today...and he weighed 2 ounces less then he did a year ago. Two inches taller, though.

Micah has always been underweight or ever since he left babyhood behind anyway. I think he was somewhat chubby when he was a baby or at least looked well fed.

His weight today was a shock to me though I did know he was not eating well again. So now his ped put him on Pediasure to try to give him a little boost.

Micah has profound microcephaly which is actually easy to forget in the hubbub of life. But this as a rather sobering reminder of the severity of his condition. Poor weight gain is a very common problem for persons with micro. Eating more or eating higher calorie foods really does not make much difference. that knowledge doesn't keep me from trying again and again. But there is not much benefit in making your child gag and wretch and vomit. Some days he can eat and some days he can't and so it be...

I am better off spending my time trying to find extra extra slim pants. Most of his pants that are long enough are always bunched up around his waist. And shirts that are long enough are way too big across the shoulders. As a result, Micah always either looks skimpy or then he looks like he's swimming in big brothers clothes.

Tonight on the way home, I asked Micah;
Do you know how much I love you?
Micah: No, how much?
Me; Do you think its about a thousand?
Micah:(considering) I think its about a billion.

You are so right, Micah! I love you billions and billions! I'll like you forever, my little cross-eyed cricket.

How I Control my Computer time...

instead of letting the computer control me.

I have an embarressing confession to make. I am not good at being self disciplined when it comes to the computer. I have always been a passionate reader and the world wide web brings unlimited reading material to my finger tips.

I do NOT want my children to remember me as a person glued to the screen. I am actually very very conservative when it comes to electronics and technology. I have almost no kitchen appliances. I just got my free upgraded cell phone after using the same one for two years. It was hoplessly outdated and frequently did not work. Christopher is so proud of our very modern cell phone.

But I digress. The point I was trying to make is that my computer is basically my one downfall. I am not really your typical computer geek, but in reality I am actually pretty geeky. (I am glad that I can't hear your laughter through the screen, you mocking sisters!)

Enter Blue Coat K-9 Web Protection. (google it if you want to find it, I am too lazy to provide a link. I am only geeky when I want to be) There are a number of ways to set up this valuable free tool. Of course, you can use it to block unwanted sites but I use the time control feature. All internet and email is blocked all day till 8:30 at night when it comes on for 30 minutes. After that time it cuts off. If I have a password, all I have to do is enter it and then I can change the settings and be on as long as I wish. So of course it really does not work if I have the password. My sister has it. So now once it cuts off, it is off and I am helpless to do anything about it. Sometimes I feel like screaming when I am in the middle of something. But if I can't control myself, I have to put a knife to my throat.

I do have it on one whole day a week as well. That is when I do all my Ebay/Amazon/Craigslist/Freecycle shopping.

So there is my confession. My cheeks are a little red but I am rested and happy and so are my children.

Remember This baby??

Tonight I ran into the supervisor of my agency. We go way back...she has played a few different roles in my life so we know each other well. I found out to my surprize that they are still very much considering me for this baby girl. There are two other families interested, both single parents. Both work full time. With the one she would be with a nurse 12 hours a day. But I, on the other hand have a fairly new baby.

I truly don't know which will be harder. Being chosen or not being chosen.

November 23 is the fateful day. Its up to you, God.

If I don't get her, I will probably weep a little weep. But if I do, I will probably weep more then once. I know how tough it is. But I will also be extremely happy and blest to be mom to such a darling and precious little girl.

I had her last weekend and her and Baby J were so darling together. I wish I could post some pictures on here but I can't as long as they are foster children. If you want to see a picture, email me and I will send you one or two.

I think this picture is priceless but also hilarious. Marissa is very interested in cooking and all things kitchen. The best way for children to learn is hands-on. She is laboriously shredding a carrot.

First she had stood on a stool by the counter but when it turned out to be at an inconvenient height, she took it to her rug and crouched there to do it. Her cat, Emma, is very observant. Would be nice for mom if the learning process was not always so messy.

Note the rug she is on. It is along the kitchen wall and serves very well as a little area for Micah or Marissa to collect themselves and calm down as the need arises. They are both- esp Marissa- very hyper and high strung. Sometimes they just need some guidance in staying cool and collected. The cord which is plugged in the wall right there is an added challenge to leave alone when she is upset. This is where Marissa fights many a battle with herself, if that makes any sense! Better at 5 then 15....